Being Seen and What that Means

Every once in awhile I can't sleep. It's during these times, late at night, when words come to me and I decide to post something. Tonight's one of those nights.

2:45am.

So, I got home two weeks ago.

As I rode down the escalator to baggage claim at the Detroit International Airport, I looked for them, and there they were--Mom and Dad--waiting. Eventually we untangled ourselves from our "I haven't seen you in 12 months" hugs, found my bag, bought a coffee (shocker) and began our drive home.

For some reason (one that I haven't quite been able to figure out yet) I try to summarize all the events that have happened to me in the 1 1/2 hour trip from the airport to my parents' house. Always. I was excited as I shared new stories and probably repeated old ones. Energy was flowing, let me tell you.

Then I walked through the doors of my house and it hit me. Exhaustion. Not just, "I need to sleep" exhaustion.

Something deeper. Fuller. Emptier. Stronger. Weaker.

And. for the first week at home, I found myself sobbing at the drop of a hat, for no apparent reason. It felt like a well that began in my stomach and rose--up and up and when it couldn't go any further, escaped through the old faithful tear ducts.

Who can understand it?

I think that's what Paul talks about when he wrote to the Romans and said that

"...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

Strip away everything from me--family, friends, YWAM, church....and all that's left is a picture that I've had playing in my mind for awhile--me and God. And I am the weakest of all the weak. The dirtiest, the poorest, and the most unfaithful. And I'm seen. Unadulterated honesty. He just looks at me more deeply and intently than anyone has ever looked at me before. He sees me more clearly than anyone ever will.

And there it is.

In that moment, when it's His eyes on me, mine on His, there's a peace that comes that doesn't make any sense. And suddenly, I know. I know that no matter what happens, wherever I go, how I am, who I'm with, He'll be there. HE WILL BE THERE.

The prayers of the Spirit are completely in line with the will of the Father and Paul goes on to say in his letter that if that's true, what and who could possibly stand against us? Including ourselves.

My friend Becca wrote this awesome post on her blog Exile Fertility. She talks about how God is a God who gets down into our graves to pull us out. He's not afraid to get his hands dirty. He is in the relationship of death and resurrection. Over and over again--making all things new.

I'm finding more and more that the invitation God extends to me--to humanity--isn't about a debt being paid off to God for the rest of my life because He died for me. I think I live that way sometimes. Instead, I'm finding God's way more into showing me freedom in the life He created for the world. He had a design in mind. Full and whole. Love-filled.

Sometimes I let myself get caught up by fear and self-doubt and distrust of others. I avoid eye contact with God long enough to fool myself into thinking that He was the one who blinked first. I make the focus of my life the cost of it all.

"It's too high," I think, and suddenly, I find myself feeling very sorry for myself and oblivious of struggles and triumphs of the people around me. Instead I get consumed very easily with my own junk,  when over and over again God says "Don't worry" and "Trust me, I'll help you, I'm helping you".

Sometimes I search for isolation like a security blanket. It's my grave talking, calling me back.

But then I realize He's seeing me--that He's always seeing me and loving me, asking if I'd like to experience more--know Him more. And as I see that He sees me, my eyes are opened again to the world around me. Suddenly, there's a clear passage for gratitude to flow out of my mouth, and I realize once again, that there is no one like Him. What God takes me to deeper depths and higher heights? Who is committed to making us better, loving us, walking with us?

He is a good God.